On Singleness & Faith
I recently met a good friend for lunch, who shared how hurt she felt by some teaching she’d just heard on singleness in her church… This surprised me because this particular friend of mine is not exactly the type of person who takes offence easily. And she’s not someone who’s holding back on life or waiting for a man before she steps out, either. I know that she’d really like to get married one day, but she approaches life with a kind of joy, enthusiasm, and spontaneity which very few other people I know share.
So, it kind of got me thinking …
35% of the church
Statistics show that about 35 percent of adult church members in Britain today are single. But you really wouldn’t think it, considering how little attention singleness is given by most churches today.
I know that singleness is a broad and diverse issue. Being single at 20 is very different from being single at 30, 40, or even 70. Some people are single simply because they have not yet found a marriage partner, or because of divorce, or widowhood, whilst others may have actively chosen it as a lifestyle – at least for a season.
But, whilst I appreciate that not everyone who is single will feel frustrated by their situation, for the vast majority of those who are single (particularly younger singles) I think it can be a hard thing to navigate - and so it’s really unhelpful when the church treats singleness as if it’s just a waiting room for marriage. Whether it’s explicitly expressed as an opinion, or just implied through omission or a lack of emphasis, when we act as if singleness is somehow God’s second best, it’s not only damaging to individuals but it’s also entirely un-Biblical.
There’s a commonly used passage about a chord of three strands not being easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12) which is often used in a paragraphed way to make marriage seem better than singleness (two is better than one). But although it’s often read out in wedding services, the point being made isn’t only about marriage relationships. It’s also about the importance of team work (two have a good return for their work), friendships (if one falls down, a friend can pick him up), and supporting each other (though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves).
The point is that people are better together than alone, and better still when God is also present.
Back to the Bible
1 Corinthians 7 highlights that marriage can be good, but so can singleness too. According to Paul the apostle, both are gifts from God.
“But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that”
(1 Corinthians 7: 7)
And the apostle Paul doesn’t stop there. He says that it is actually better to be single like him if you can cope with it (although not everyone can) - because someone who is single can actually devote themselves more fully to God’s work. What an incredibly true, but so often over-looked and disregarded point of view in our church culture today!
My own experience of being single throughout my 20’s, was that I was much more free to serve God in a number of ways that I no longer can now, due to my responsibilities as a mother and wife which came in my 30s. I spent some time as a student worker at my church and self-funded the role with part-time work. I did an unpaid Christian gap year working with YWAM on missions in both the UK and abroad. And I also spent a number of years living in a shared community with other young singles, where I could disciple other new or ‘not yet’ christians in a very ‘hands on’ kind of way.
Do I still serve God today? Well yes, I am still serving in some forms of ministry, but it is much more limited and my time is much more stretched. Looking back now, I also wish that I hadn’t wasted quite so much of my mental energy pining for a relationship when it wasn’t my season, and worrying about if/when marriage would arrive.
Singleness is not second-best
Ultimately, whether singleness is just a season in someone’s life of waiting to meet the right partner (like mine was), or a chosen longer-term calling into celibacy (like Paul), when the church treats it like it’s just ‘making the best of a bad situation’, or behaves as if those individuals are somehow less complete because of their lack of marriage status, it is massively under-valuing a huge section of the church!
The truth revealed in Scripture is that we all made complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10), and marriage doesn’t add to or change to this work.
Jesus didn’t marry, so it isn’t a pre-requisite for a full christian life. And our relationship status really won’t matter in heaven either.
Being part of the solution
If you are part of a couple or a nuclear family right now - why not ask God how you can be a part of the solution by making sure that you fully include signle people into your life? Often it won’t require any huge commitment from you. It might just mean a subtle shift in your awareness of others around you, or making small changes in how you talk about and think about singleness. Sometimes it’s just taking practical steps like inviting your single friends over for dinner, or just to hang out with you and your family?
Meanwhile, if you’re single right now and it isn’t by your design or choice, I’d encourage you to stay plugged into a local church community - even when it feels like a lonely or hard place to be. Don’t get bitter or cynical. Instead, choose to see your current season of singleness as a gift by really focusing on how you can serve God right now, in ways that may not be as easy for you in the future.
Most of all, make sure that you really seek out those people who will befriend you, include you, love you, support you, and release you into your full potential in God – not just when you’re married, but right now, exactly as you are.
Further resources:
SALT - Christian dating app & resources
Notes on Love: Being single & dating in a marriage obsessed church - Book by Lauren Windle
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